


And Baby Brother Makes Four

by pikestaff (pikaslew)



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Background Isabela/Bethany, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, There's no smut but there are a lot of sex jokes, vaguely cracky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-10-16 14:41:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10573383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pikaslew/pseuds/pikestaff
Summary: Carver needs a new place to live.  So he is roped into rooming with his brother Garrett and his two boyfriends until he can figure things out.  It can't be that bad, right?  It's going to impress Merrill if he can get along with his family, right?





	

**Author's Note:**

> This started out as something for Fenhanders Week on tumblr and turned into absolute crack starring everyone's favorite baby brother. I'm sorry. :')

Looking back on it that first night, Carver didn’t know why he’d ever thought this was a good idea in the first place.

Oh, there was that whole bit about wanting to impress Merrill. That, admittedly, had a lot to do with it.

He’d come across his sister Bethany, her girlfriend Isabela, and their mutual friend Merrill the other day in a little coffee shop. He was just stopping by to grab something, but they’d seen him and called him over. Had it just been Bethany and Isabela, he probably would have declined, but Merrill was with them and he never turned down a chance to spend time with her. So he grabbed his drink and sat down with them. Merrill giggled, and he blushed.

“So, Carver,” said Isabela. She had an arm around Bethany. “I heard you’re looking for a place to stay for a while.”

“Yeah. My roommate bailed on me.” Carver took a sip of coffee. “I can’t afford the rent on my own.”

“You could stay with your brother,” Merrill suggested.

She may as well have suggested he live on the moon. “I… don’t think that’s going to happen,” said Carver.

“Oh, why not?” Bethany asked. “Garrett’s not _that_ bad.”

“No,” said Carver. “He’s worse. Especially with…” he trailed off.

“His boyfriends?” Isabela teased.

“We don’t… really get along,” said Carver.

“That’s probably because you don’t spend a lot time with them. Or with us, for that matter,” said Bethany, and she made a playful pout.

“I’m sure you’d like them if you spent more time with them,” said Merrill, and even though Carver disagreed, the fact that Merrill was saying it with that adorable voice of hers almost had him changing his mind. _Almost_.

“I’m pretty sure that’s not actually the case,” said Carver, but he threw in a chuckle at the end to show Merrill that he was in high spirits.

“Prove it,” said Bethany, suddenly. “One week with them. You can do that, at least, can’t you?”

“Uhh…” Carver glanced over at Merrill. She was looking at him with sparkling eyes. “I mean, yeah, of course I could. But that doesn’t mean I’d _want_ to. You know?”

“Oh, but Carver, I’m worried about you,” said Merrill. “You have to live _somewhere_.”

“I will,” said Carver quickly. “Don’t worry. Just… not with my brother.”

“He can’t do it,” Isabela said to Bethany, and the two of them began giggling.

“Hey, I never said that,” said Carver. “All I said was that I’d prefer not to.”

“That’s right,” said Merrill, jumping to his defense. “He could live with Garrett if he wanted to.” She looked up at him. “Couldn’t you?”

Oh Maker. She was going to be the absolute death of him. “Of course I could,” he said.

But Isabela and Bethany were still giggling to each other, and Merrill was looking at him with wide, concerned eyes… and that’s when Carver knew he was officially a goner.

So, later that afternoon, he was texting his brother and asking if he could move in “just for a few days, until I can find a new roommate.”

Garrett replied in seconds. “What’d you do to the old one?”

Carver rolled his eyes as he texted back. “He decided to move in with his girlfriend.”

“He chose someone else over you? What happened to Hawke family honor? And speaking of which, why are you the only Hawke who’s still single?”

“Shut the fuck up and let me know if you’ve still got that extra room.”

“For you, lil’ bro, I’ve got anything.”

Carver groaned and pocketed his phone. Fifteen minutes later, it buzzed again. It was Bethany. “Garrett tells me you’re going to move in with him.”

“Oh, he already told you?”

“Yeah. We’re placing bets on how long you can last.”

 _Really?_ “How long did you bet?” Carver texted back.

“I’m not telling. That’d jinx it.”

Carver sighed.

 

So, a few days later, he packed up his belongings and moved in with his brother. Garrett was waiting for him with a grin on his face. “Ahh, isn’t it so sweet!” he exclaimed. “The Hawke brothers back together. Just like old times.”

“Yeah, well, don’t get too excited about it. It’s only for a week or two.” Carver walked past Garrett and headed to the house. It was admittedly a nice house. It was roomy and the yard was clean and from the outside it looked terribly… normal. This actually kind of frightened Carver. He had never been inside this particular house and he had a bad feeling about what he would find.

He pushed open the door and was greeted by Garrett’s dog, which was, rather appropriately, named Dog. Carver gave him a pat and then headed inside.

He was expecting a warzone and what he got was surprisingly benign. The house was clean, beyond some pet toys lying around. But as Garrett walked up to him, still wearing that mischievous smile, Carver got the distinct impression that there was some great practical joke that was about to be sprung on him.

“So?” Garrett was grinning. “How do you like our place?”

“Nice,” said Carver. He decided to settle on that word until he had more details.

“You can get a pretty nice place when you’re splitting the rent three ways,” said Garrett. “Oh, here, let me show you to your room. I think you’ll like it.”

Garrett led Carver down a hallway and then opened the door at the end. And Carver promptly walked in to some sort of sex dungeon. A wide variety of “toys” were on proud display-- chains, whips, dildos, handcuffs, rope-- it was all there. Oh, and there was a bed in the corner, of course.

“Sorry it’s a bit messy,” said Garrett. “I tried to clean it up, though.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Carver didn’t know if he’d ever been more horrified in his life.

Garrett shrugged. “Hey, it’s an empty bed,” he said.

“And what the fuck have you _done_ on that bed?” Carver exclaimed.

“Are you really sure you want to know?” Garrett waggled an eyebrow.

“...no,” said Carver.

“Oh come on,” said Garrett. “We’re brothers. We can talk about this kind of stuff.”

That was when Anders walked in on them. He was in tight shorts and a crop top that read “Bi-purrious” and was cradling his ginger cat like one would a baby. “Yes, that’s right, Pounce,” he crooned. “We have a guest. It’s Garrett’s baby brother. What do you think about that?”

He continued talking to his cat without looking up, and behind him Fenris approached. He had thick rimmed glasses and was wearing a beanie, and he narrowed his eyes a bit at Carver. “You aren’t going to fuck up that room, are you? I spent a good two hours organizing it yesterday.”

“Alright, you know what, everyone out. This is my room now and I’m going to unpack, okay?” Carver dumped his suitcase down in the middle of the floor.

“Let me know if you need any help,” Garrett said in a sing-songy voice as he turned and walked away. He was trailed by Fenris and by Anders, who was still talking to his cat.

So Carver was alone with his brother’s sex toy collection. Great. It was gonna be a great week.

 

Carver spent as much of that day as possible holed up in that room, only leaving to use the bathroom or to grab something from the fridge. He tried not to remember that the walls were lined with bondage gear as he dourly watched Netflix and tried to think about how impressed Merrill would be if he managed to pull this off. It was going okay until late that night when Garrett barged in, said “sorry, need this,” grabbed the biggest dildo on the shelf, and then disappeared with it, and that’s when Carver shut off Netflix and immediately began scouring Craigslist instead. But late that night Merrill sent him a text where she asked how he was doing and ended it with some words of encouragement and _several_ heart emojis, and Carver sighed and accepted that he would be here for at least a few more days.

He _definitely_ tried not to think about what his brother and their boyfriends had done in that bed when he slept that night.

 

When Carver woke up the next morning it was because Anders was singing Mr. Brightside at the top of his lungs, at six o’ fucking clock in the fucking morning, while he fed his cat and then somehow adapted the lyrics into Mister Pounce-a-Lot who was coming out of his carrier and doing just fine, gotta gotta be fed because he wants it all. Pounce was meowing as Anders sang, and Carver responded by burying his head underneath the pillow in an attempt to drown it all out. Fortunately the noise subsided… for a time, because just as he was drifting off to sleep again, someone started blasting music. By this time Carver was wide awake, and he shuffled out to the living room to see Fenris sprawled out on the couch, reading, while he had his music on next to him on full blast. “Really?” Carver asked. “This early in the morning?”

Fenris gave him a look over the top of his glasses. “Yes,” he said.

Carver groaned and shuffled to the bathroom to take a shower.

...or he would have, but Garrett was in there already.

“Oh, by the way, I’m next in line for the shower,” Fenris quipped.

So, Carver went to work without a shower that day. And he stayed at work as long as possible, and when he finally came home Garrett, Anders, and Fenris were all snuggling on the couch and watching a movie. They looked very comfortable, and Carver actually felt a twinge of loneliness for a second. Just a second, though. “Heeey,” Garrett said. “We were just wondering when you were going to come home. Wanna join in?”

“No,” said Carver, and he went directly to bed. Well, almost directly to bed. Before he did he sent an exasperated snapchat photo of himself to Merrill. Merrill responded by sending him a snap of herself with the flower crown filter and the words “You can do it!!” and a bunch of hearts.

Carver buried himself under the blankets and pillow again. Just a few more days… just a few more days…

 

“So Carver, when are you going to invite Merrill over?”

It was the next day and it had been relatively _normal_ up until this point. But Garrett had ordered a pizza and then insisted that they all eat together as a family. Well, sort of. He was in the middle of the couch, with a boyfriend on each arm, and Carver was sitting on the floor. (To be fair, Garrett had offered Carver to squeeze in with them, and Carver had declined.)

He almost choked on his soda. “What? Merrill? What do you know about Merrill?”

“We know you like her, for starters,” said Anders. Or, that’s what it sounded like he said. His mouth was full.

“You like her a lot,” Fenris added.

“I… don’t think that inviting her here would be a good idea,” said Carver quickly.

“Why not? Don’t you like it here?” Hawke’s voice was playful, he knew the exact answer to his own question.

Anders swallowed the bit of pizza he was chewing and reached for his drink. “When are you going to ask her out, anyway?”

“Look, that’s my business,” said Carver. He thought his ears might have been turning red, so he picked up his pizza and drink and excused himself and went to his room. He texted Merrill. “Has my brother talked to you recently?”

“No. Why?” came the reply.

Carver let out a little sigh of relief. Good. “No reason,” he texted back. “Have a good evening. :)”

“You too! Xoxoxo”

 

The next morning was suspiciously quiet. Carver actually managed to get a quick shower in before work, and he didn’t see any of his roommates whatsoever. He decided not to curse his luck and disappeared out the front door before any of them woke up.

When he returned that afternoon and opened the door, he realized that no, it was actually too late and he’d already cursed himself.

Merrill was there.

Carver wanted to shrivel up and die more than he’d ever wanted to before as Merrill waved and greeted him excitedly. “Carver! Your brother was so kind. He wanted to invite me over and show me around your new place. I hope you don’t mind?”

“Oh, uh, not at all,” Carver said, stumbling over his words. Anders walked in at that point-- mercifully not wearing a crop top, but instead a t-shirt that had a picture of a cat walking away from an explosion and the words “Cool Cats Don’t Look Back.” Merrill turned to him and giggled at his shirt, and that’s when Carver turned to glare at his brother.

“Trust me,” Garrett mouthed back.

That didn’t minimize Carver’s glare.

Fenris showed up a few moments later in his typical hipster attire, and the three of them proceeded to show Merrill around their house. Carver followed behind rather sullenly. Not only had they invited Merrill over without telling him, but now they were the ones doing all the talking to her! It was unbelievable.

“And now,” said Garrett, “I’ll show you the crown jewel of our humble abode-- Carver’s room.”

Oh no. Oh Maker no. Not the sex dungeon. “Um, I don’t think that’s necessary,” said Carver.

“Oh don’t be silly, of course it is!” Garrett replied.

“Ooh yes, I’d love to see Carver’s room,” Merrill giggled.

It was over. Everything was over. His shot with Merrill, out the window. Carver followed behind them like a sad mabari puppy as they headed down the hall and into the room…

...which had been completely overhauled in Carver’s absence.

There wasn’t a single sex toy anywhere to be seen. Instead was a very stately looking room, complete with a bookshelf, a dresser, and a cherry-colored desk. On the desk there was even a little fish tank with a betta fish in it. Merrill ooh’d and ahh’d at the matching decorum and then beelined for the fish. “Oh, he’s beautiful! What’s his name?”

“It’s… uh…” Carver tried to come up with something on the spot.

“Its name is Merrill,” said Fenris suddenly. “He named it after you. He said it was just as beautiful.”

“Did he say that, really?” Merrill giggled and blushed, and then ran over to Carver and gave him a hug. “You’re very sweet, Carver. And your room is lovely! I told you living here wouldn’t be so bad!”

Carver looked over Merrill’s shoulder at Garrett, Fenris, and Anders. Garrett made a finger guns gesture. Carver rolled his eyes.

 

“So let me get this straight,” said Isabela. It was the next day and she, Bethany, and Carver were at the coffee shop again. “Not only is staying with your brother working out, but now you’ve got a date with Merrill?”

“Yep.” Carver was smug as he sipped his cappuccino.

“Does that mean you’re staying more than a week?” Bethany looked disappointed. “I’m going to lose ten sovereigns on that, you know.”

“So sorry to disappoint,” said Carver.

“You know, I bet this was all a part of Garrett’s plan,” said Bethany. “He said you’d stay for at least a month. He’s cheating and ensuring he’s going to win.”

Carver thought about this. Was he? Did he actually care about him, or was this all part of a game?

...it was probably part of a game. But that was okay. He still had a date with Merrill coming up.

He went back home that evening, went into his room, and promptly found that there sex toys scattered all over the floor. Garrett, Fenris and Anders were in the midst of the pile and they looked up at him sheepishly. “They fell out of the closet,” Garrett admitted. “We had to hide them somewhere when we were setting you up with your little date. Don’t worry, we’ll have it clean in a minute.”

“Oh, you can leave those,” said Carver. “I might need them.”

Garrett made a face.

Carver laughed. “Oh come on. We’re brothers! We can talk about this kind of stuff”

And Garrett laughed too. “See, now you’re learning!”

**Author's Note:**

> http://pikestaff.tumblr.com


End file.
